Although the radiation (and generous use of oxycodone) has started to relieve my back pain, I'm still unhappy.
I don't want this blog to be a journal of my depression, because that's not what life's about. My life has been turned upside-down, but that doesn't cancel out the good times I had before or the good times that I know will come after. The hole that I'm in is just so deep right now that it's almost impossible for the light to reach me.
It's six in the morning. I get to go home for the weekend today, see my wife for about 24 hours before I have to turn around and come back for more therapy. All I can think about is the fact that I must leave her. That terrible stay coming up in January. Those weeks all alone again.
I've spent so much time living just for the sake of not being dead. Being with my love was supposed to be the beginning of a new kind of life, a self-determined life. I would make my own terms and be free.
I can't think of spending another month in some cold, gigantic city full of strangers, living in a tiny room with my mother. I don't know how I'll survive.
What if this isn't the end? What happens to me if this is just my life now?
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