I haven't had Neulasta in a while. It's called something different now but it's supposedly the same drug I had been getting all along.
It feels like the muscles in my back are trying to rip themselves in half. It feels like my ribcage is trying to pull itself off of my spine.
I can barely think long enough to type this. I hate this so much. I hate Neulasta.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Monday, April 13, 2020
Still here
I guess I fell off the wagon there for a while. It's hard to keep talking into a void.
I'm scheduled for a PET scan soon. I hope it has good news for me. I'm starting to have the back pain again, and after a CT scan the doctor said it looks like the disease might be progressing.
I do so much emotional labor just trying to keep people entertained and comforted.
I'm tired of hearing about quick, magical fixes that Mom finds on Facebook. Really, I am. And she encourages me to speak up if I don't want to do something, then makes me feel awful if I don't go along with everything she says. I even heard about the red wine "health hack" again. They're perfect memes, not tired Internet jokes but actual memes, self-replicating ideas. They're attractive, they contain just enough facts to seem credulous, so they reproduce and pass on. Chocolate and red wine is actually good for me? Sign me up!
I feel insulted, almost. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I have cancer, and Mom's telling me to eat almonds and drink herbal tea.
My instruction permit is expiring, and due to COVID-19 all the DMVs in the state are closed. Can't take my knowledge test, can't renew my permit. This is what I get for giving up and putting it off for years on end. It is true that I lost the ability to drive at various points, but I've also had plenty of opportunities to practice and keep trying for my actual license. Ruined by my own laziness again.
I miss my wife so much. This is the most unfair for her. I promise her the moon, and she gets a sickly husband instead. I just hope she doesn't resent me for the cards I was dealt.
I miss being able to exercise. I can still use my legs, but the pain gets so intense at night that it's hard to do very much, and I have trouble bending over. I'm worried about the numbness that I'm starting to feel in my side, too. The CT scan didn't show the doctor anything enlightening in that area.
But hey, at least I have a new computer. No more using a busted laptop for everything.
I'm scheduled for a PET scan soon. I hope it has good news for me. I'm starting to have the back pain again, and after a CT scan the doctor said it looks like the disease might be progressing.
I do so much emotional labor just trying to keep people entertained and comforted.
I'm tired of hearing about quick, magical fixes that Mom finds on Facebook. Really, I am. And she encourages me to speak up if I don't want to do something, then makes me feel awful if I don't go along with everything she says. I even heard about the red wine "health hack" again. They're perfect memes, not tired Internet jokes but actual memes, self-replicating ideas. They're attractive, they contain just enough facts to seem credulous, so they reproduce and pass on. Chocolate and red wine is actually good for me? Sign me up!
I feel insulted, almost. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I have cancer, and Mom's telling me to eat almonds and drink herbal tea.
My instruction permit is expiring, and due to COVID-19 all the DMVs in the state are closed. Can't take my knowledge test, can't renew my permit. This is what I get for giving up and putting it off for years on end. It is true that I lost the ability to drive at various points, but I've also had plenty of opportunities to practice and keep trying for my actual license. Ruined by my own laziness again.
I miss my wife so much. This is the most unfair for her. I promise her the moon, and she gets a sickly husband instead. I just hope she doesn't resent me for the cards I was dealt.
I miss being able to exercise. I can still use my legs, but the pain gets so intense at night that it's hard to do very much, and I have trouble bending over. I'm worried about the numbness that I'm starting to feel in my side, too. The CT scan didn't show the doctor anything enlightening in that area.
But hey, at least I have a new computer. No more using a busted laptop for everything.
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