CAR T - 1

As I write this, it's November 29th. In four days, I will go to Portland for the first appointment on the road to CAR T.

They will check my veins and discuss living arrangements. I might even get an actual timeframe, instead of guessing and dreading.

Now that the sadness has passed, all I feel is anger.

I'm angry that over a year of my life has been taken from me with no recourse.

I'm angry that I have to be away from my wife for an entire month.

I'm angry because I feel like people won't speak plainly to me. I'm angry because I'm broke and don't have my driver's license. I'm angry because people tell me not to be angry--dammit, don't I have a right to be angry? Everybody else overreacts to trivial things; why can't I be mad that my life has been endangered and every aspect of my growth has been completely derailed?

I wanted to study math and computer science in a big university; that was a pipe dream before I'd even started. I wanted to get an apartment with my wife; that only became more difficult the harder I worked at it. I wanted to excel at my stupid little retail job; obviously, I can't now. I wanted to have the dentist fix my teeth, and I can't. I wanted to earn money, and I can't. I wanted to begin my life, and now I can't.

And yet, I'm still expected to keep a stiff upper lip and not stress the small stuff. Even as obstacles and indignities beset me, each one washing away my resolve like a stream eroding a mountain, I have to hear the most stressful, high-strung people in my life tell me to "calm down."

When am I allowed to be upset?