Anniversary and Accountability (to myself)

This post is going up on the 25th. On October 20th, 2018, I was diagnosed with cancer. Since then I've had about six surgeries, dozens and dozens of doses of chemotherapy, three leaves of absence, a dozen or so extended out-of-town hospitalizations, hundreds of dollars worth of medication, and the bottomless support of my family, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers around the world.

But what have I actually done? 

I've started another game programming project. I feel like it's The One(tm). I felt that about the last two or three projects, one of which I got sick of long before finishing and the other I couldn't even get past a basic, unimpressive prototype. But something's different about this one, I can feel it.

Dismayed by my ever-increasing weight at the doctor's, I've redoubled my efforts to control my gluttony and get some exercise done. Limiting my appetite is harder than it seemed at first and my disgusting flabby gut hasn't gone away yet, but my arms are noticeably bigger and I can do 15 pushups without feeling like I'm going to die.

In my opinion, not enough.

I have big plans for 2020. I had big plans for 2019 too, but that got sidetracked by the cancer ordeal. I'm hoping that I get good news and can return to work in December, and then things are getting real.

I plan to:

• Pay my credit card debt in full within 3 paychecks
• Lose my disgusting gut that hangs over my jeans
• Get my driver's license, maybe even a car
• Move out with my wife

I feel especially driven because of a YouTuber I've been watching lately, Wes Watson. He's currently a fitness instructor of some kind who also makes vlogs about his time in prison. It's easy to laugh because of his over-the-top intensity and some of the stories he tells, but the reality is that I want to take his philosophy to heart. He never gives himself an inch, and at the core of this philosophy of intentional suffering is one kernel of truth: nothing that makes you stronger will be easy.

It's a fact I've known for a long time, but have yet to internalize. I've had terrible food that was bad for me just because I was having a bad day. I've quit workouts too early because I was bored and distracted, not because I'd hit my limit. I've went back for seconds and thirds and so on just for the fun of eating, and that's why I'm in my position: overweight and out of shape.

I've said "I don't feel like doing this" about work, about programming, and about social activities. It's one of the reasons I have so little money, and definitely the reason I have no finished games under my belt and very, very few true friends. I've messed up my sleep schedule by staying up all night watching YouTube or playing video games, and as a result missed out on genuine learning during my high school and college days.

The fact is that there is no quick fix, and no excuses. My situation right now, as an adult, is a result of my own behaviors and choices. No amount of lying to myself will change that. I've had more than ample opportunity to reflect. This illness I've been stuck with for well over a year now is my chance to start my life over again.